Part XXVI - Another Cold Summer

 

Summer is coming!...or at least it should be even though it doesn't feel like it in most places. While I am looking forward to some warm weather, greenery, sunshine, and seeing everyone happier. I am also part of the .01% of people that is not really excited about it. In fact I am almost a bit upset about it. Am I losing my mind?!...well...yes I think I am ( and for more reasons then this but that will have to be another entry for another day). I am upset because  a few years ago I had strong hope that I would be much closer to having full leg mobility by around this time. Or at least feeling like I could walk normal and not be in pain every day. But no...the good lord has not seen me fit for these "luxuries" yet.  While things do improve slowly I am much further away then I thought I would be, far enough away to have to dig deep inside of me to find real excitement about the summer to come.

   More then anything, summer is the ultimate reminder of just how different my life is compared to what it used to be. During the winters, its much easier to keep my head down, focus on exercise, work, family, etc and almost forget how much you are missing out on in your life. In the summer, its the opposite as I get to see firsthand everyday just how much of my fleeting youth I am missing as I watch people do all the summer activities I used to love.  Running in the park, frolicking at the beach, and even just summer traveling continues to be difficult.  It all hits home harder during the months of summer and makes me depressed and frustrated at the same time. Worst of all I think this type of toxic mentality is seeping into other areas of my life. Makes it all that much harder to get my career and personal life back on track.  I need to find a way to get back on track...

Part XXV - Words to my Lost Brother

            A few days after Thanksgiving I lost one of my best friends, Dave Capucilli, an amazing person that has been a huge part of my life. His death has been tragic beyond words, a deep, depressing numbness that I haven't felt since the death of my father. Yet again, another reminder just how beautiful and fragile life is for all of us.....no matter how strong, healthy, wealthy, popular, a person is. Tomorrow things can change in an instant.... in the flip of a two sided coin. On one side is the potential for reaching goals, finding happiness, on the other is the possibility that the goals we seek are an illusion,  an oasis in the sand. 

3 and a half years ago I layed broken and bleeding on the hospital bed not sure if I would survive my accident. As they prepped me for the 8 hour surgery to come, I looked desperately at my friends faces as they watched and worried... one of them was Davy.  Now he is gone, robbed of a future so bright that it blinds me to think of it. I miss my friend, my brother.... here are my final words to you. 

Tether

I still have trouble finding the words thoughts so jumbled unclear,

To fathom the pain of our loved one lost, a life so truly dear.

Forever I will question, wonder and weep, why our time now must end,

For we had so much to do, so much to learn, and so many days to spend;

We Conquered mountains, Walked strange worlds and Swam oceans galore,

Explored new music, Broadened our souls, Played games till the wee hours of the morn,

For so much knowledge and time we shared, I could never begin to forget

That our ships stayed a similar course, tethered without intent;

Too many memories of which you are part, so many smiles and cheers,

Lasting jokes and timeless tales, now mix with rising fears,

That things will never be the same without your steadying hand

To this new future we must adhere, this new fate so bland;

But I promise to stay the course for that is what we must do,

Honor your persona, a  lasting imprint, to find strength in you,

And you would expect nothing less, to that we can all attest,

To pursue our dreams to the fullest and live life without regret;

For that and so much more I will always hope and pray,

To sing with you again lost brother, to share another day,

But for now the tether that was tied must be cut and drawn,

And into the sunset you will sail , without me but never alone.

Part XXIV - The Hiatus

Namaste!

So after a very long break I have finally decided to get my act together and give an update on my much neglected blog.  While a part of me missed writing and communicating my thoughts and reflections through this healing process....another part of me knows I needed some time to commit  energy to other things in my life and refocus. The blog was starting to feel like a chore instead of a gift to inspire people and I did not want to start giving off negativity. In fact, I would take that line of thinking one step further and say that for almost anything in life, sometimes it helps to disengage and take a day,  or a week, maybe even a few months to find clarity in thought and decide ...What are the real reasons you are doing something?....What goals are you trying to achieve by doing whatever it is you are doing? Sounds so simple and obvious but that is also why its so easy to forget.

Let me start by saying, that while I had stopped writing on the blog, I never stopped capturing my creative thoughts and have spent this time off writing music and reconnecting with an almost unrecognizable part of my musical self. While I have written bits and pieces of music for many years, I was able  to (for the first time since university) actually find the patience and structure needed to recommit to learning/practicing, writing complete songs, and more importantly finish what I had started on small projects from years past. As a result I have found myself very contented in this renewed expression of self and it has undoubtedly become a high priority for me. One of my many life goals that I realized when I was laid up in the hospital, was that I wanted write enough songs to professionally record an album so that is what I am striving for. While I do not anticipate making any money off this endeavor and certainly I do not anticipate getting famous, I knew it would be a mentally and emotionally healing activity that I would enjoy doing. So far, it definitely has been......
it has also been much more difficult then I ever expected and I now have an even deeper respect for songwriters/artists.

Regardless, I plan to see this blog through to the end of my recovery as I originally had planned so let us pick up where we left off. The first question is, what exactly has improved/changed since I began this long, arduous journey? Well....LOTS! For starters, I continue to have increased sensation and nerve growth which I can feel happening in various parts of the injured leg.  But the biggest change has occurred in one of the major muscle groups that has been paralyzed since the accident, my right calf muscle.  It has gone from being completely inactive to partially active.While this does not change my overall leg abilities that much, it is very important on a much bigger scale.  The nerve grows through the leg from spinal cord to toe which means that if the leg is healing like I had hoped, then the calf muscle would be the first one to start responding. Also, since this change I have noticed greater strength and control in walking, yoga, even with my weight training. FINALLY some light at the end of the dark tunnel!   So now I am working for continued calf muscle development and some activation from the  Tibialis muscle. In case you have no idea what and where a Tibialis is...see below. Basically the Tibialis and the Calf are the two major push and pull muscles we use everyday for stepping.....

very very important muscles.....and once I have these two working better then we are getting into some mazing possibilities  because then I could actually run! Imagine that....me....running!

I can.

Part XXIII - Empty Pages

For the first time since I started writing this song I feel like I have nothing to say, 

No knowledge to deliver, no advice to riddle, no emotions to share or erase. 

No feelings to understand, no recollections to dream there is so little point in feigning,

A day without pain, deep remorse, a day without consciousness breaking. 

I long for this, it seems so distant when I will awake eager for the day, 

a warm summers night,  strolls though the park, resting without effort or shame. 

Neither cotton cloud trousers, nor six string towers forever my endless games,

can bring me stillness of mind, a conjuring of wicked ways.

Part XXII - Inflection Point

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            During my last visit, I wrote extensively about my admiration for the many courageous souls here at this hospital fighting to overcome a range of illnesses and accidents, many far more serious then mine.  This continues today as the many people I meet here continue to humble me with their struggles or their commitment to a loved one in need. The main difference from last year to this year is the greater number of Indian nationals as opposed to foreigners and also the considerable number of youngsters here seeking treatment.  This combined with my extremely busy schedule I have come to know less people then before. Furthermore, only a few of the patients I came to know well from last year were able to return during my visit so sadly I am unable to report on their recovery and can only pray that they continue to see better days.

            Now less then a week remains here and as 2012 has come to an end I have a quiet confidence about the road ahead. Exactly one year ago I was filled with anxiety and bewilderment, almost frightened of future uncertainty. Now there is a serene focus void of question, complete understanding of what is to come. If nothing else, my return visit has renewed my sense of purpose, one that was blurred during my time at home.  While many would remind me to not forget how far I have come, it is only I, the weary traveler who knows how just much further I need to go. For if we travel far enough, one day we come to a point where we are no longer moving away but moving towards it…..going back to where it all began.  

             I feel this time is now upon me, the time when I can walk tall into the morning light, balanced, with fortitude, without reserve or negative perception, able to do all the things I once loved to do. This new year promises to be my inflection point, where healing and understanding will come into a focus I have never experienced before. A deeper self harmony which I am now fully beginning to comprehend, where I am no longer asking questions of myself but now discovering answers through myself, through my own experiments in truth.

            To you my family, friends and readers, may your gaze always be forward and the sun forever on your back.  In this New Year of 2013, may we all find eternal balance of mind, body and soul. 

Part XXI - Doshas

      Holiday Greetings from the Arya Vaidya Sala Ayurvedic Hospital and Research Center in Kottakkal, India. I have been here for just over a week and I am FINALLY getting to my first blog entry! Not sure why it has taken me so long..I mean…I am quite busy but in all honesty I am just feeling uninspired, a stark contrast since my last visit.  Even though it has been a year, it does not feel as such. My routine/schedule this year is exactly like last year and I guess I am a little disappointed, I was hoping for something new though I am not sure exactly what.

            As is necessary with this type of treatment, healthy living is a priority here as I am in bed by 9:30pm and before 6am every day with morning yoga & pranayam, 4 hours of oil/medicated wrap treatments,  and 1 hour of physical therapy.  I just barely have enough time for breakfast/lunch in between all the activities.  Plus I am taking various herbal pills and liquids every few hours.  It is a demanding schedule and by 6pm I am thinking about dinner and bed. However, the restricted diet they have me on has probably been the most difficult adjustment.  
            Breakfast is a small cup of oats and coffee. Lunch is an assortment of  small servings of various Indian food chosen carefully for patients.  Dinner is restricted to a vegetable dish of my choosing and some Indian bread or chappati. As you know, daily diet, for Ayurvedic treatment is of utmost importance and depending on a person’s body type and ailment, the dietary restrictions can be more or less severe. Even though my diet may seem extreme upon first glance, I am actually quite lucky. My body type, characterized by a strong agni  or fire means I have good digestive powers and allows me to actually enjoy some of the more tastier food options. Some of my fellow patients have to forego taste and/or quantity and eat very specific lentil/vegetable dishes lacking of much spice or flavor.

            During my last visit I came to have a better understanding of what Ayurvedic medicine is and what constitutes successful treatment but I never spent much time understanding how or why it works. With that in mind I have decided to dedicate some time every day to reading some recommended library literature here that can give me a deeper understanding of Ayurveda. In order to do so, I first need to gain a better perspective of how the human body is understood in respect to Ayurvedic medicine so lets rewind a bit.

            It is first necessary to realize the origin of Ayurveda and the connection it has with life itself. By definition…it is the “science of life” and everything within its design reflects this on many levels. It is the oldest form of organized medicine and its founding book the Atharva Veda can be dated before 2,000 BC.  While its storied beginnings takes the form of a more grander tale where sacred teachings are handed down by the gods themselves to renown gurus and sages of ancient Indus Valley, it is more logical to believe that these same ascetics founded this knowledge through intensive self study of the mind, body and soul. What can be proven is that since its origin, a clear path of evolution has occurred over several thousand years as many texts have been produced and teachings refined. (Also, there has been a noticeable uptick of Western scientific studies focusing on some of the more common herbal remedies and their positive effects on a range of health issues.) 

            Similar to the inherent dualism within life itself Ayurveda subscribes to the fact that while we are all unique, there are also several unifying characteristics that we all share, namely the 5 naturally occurring elements: air, earth, fire, water and ether.  Sound familiar?  I know that over the years I have heard similar explanations in other cultures.  But to take it step further, through combinations of these elements springs the 3 principle life energies of mind and body called doshas.

Vata -    air and ether which denotes motion

Pitta -    fire and water which denotes power

Kapha - water and earth which denotes mass

These processes, like a triangle, connect the body and mind with each corner pulling itself causing the others to move as well. Ideally the goal for a healthy person is keep the 3 doshas in relative harmony allowing the mind and body to flourish and in turn keeping it safe from disorder and disease.  No problem right?!  Well…. the kicker is that everything affects these doshas, EVERYTHING.  Each bite you put into your mouth, every breath of air, every song you hear, each ray of sunlight, any word you say, stress, anger, love, hate and on and on and on…..you get the picture.  To make things even more difficult, most people have a primary and possibly a secondary dosha which means that each one of our general dispositions can be affected more so or less so by something depending on our personal nature. Or perhaps what we thought was an ideal equilibrium is actually not sustainable and we need to adjust something in our daily life to find true balance. 

            Hmmm….interesting, complicated,……India. Till next time…. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmaquanzakkah!

Part XX - Duality

   Its coming upon the one year anniversary of the start of my Ayurvedic journey and I look back in reflection at all I have done and changed. On one hand I take pride in the changes I have embraced and on the other I just feel disgust at my lack of control and my inability to completely commit. Yet I have to remember that we all walk different paths at different speeds. I remain thankful that I could be given a new path to explore and hopefully continue to learn, grow, and share with those around me.

   One activity that that I have managed to keep with continuing regularity over the last few years is my morning meditation and breathing exercises.  While it had slowed to only 4-5 times a week when I was working full time, it has become almost daily with my current flexible schedule. Regardless I have had momentum over some time and I feel that as a result there has been an altered mental awareness. I do not mean to imply that I am achieving increased cognitive abilities but merely that certain things fit together in my mind differently and perhaps more perfectly then they did before.  As example, the way I look at the world, karma, and our lives as we know it is a different shade then before.  I have come to realize that the yin and yang that exists within our bodies, is much bigger then each one of us or all of us.  It is universal and without end like the cosmic ocean.

   On the surface of our existence there is science and logic, it rules the majority of our everyday lives, a seemingly honest explanation to what we do, how we do it. However, just behind this curtain there is an infinite supply of irony and contradiction. Its complexities run so deep that many times one never understands they are even there. I have realized over the years that finding these ironies and attempting to digest them, however deep and perplexing, presents a whole new dimension of thought. They are everywhere, in everything, floating with us through time. An almost constant reminder that the only thing more remarkable then our imagination is the reality that bears it.  The more time I spend in meditation and quiet thought, the more I notice them.

     Take for instance something as simple and known to us as the act of breathing. Every breath is precious yet meaningless. Each breath we take is one breath closer to our inevitable end but most of us will forever ignore this fact. But that is what it is….fact. Just the mere thought of this makes most of us uncomfortable….but why? Thinking about it reminds us that we are all vulnerable whether we choose to accept it or not, and being vulnerable means that we are not in control.  Control…..that is what we all really want. We want to have authority over our lives, our relationships, our careers, and our character.  Much like water has no control over the bottle we keep it in or the sun that turns it into air, we are not truly in control of the world around us, we are only in control of how we adapt….how we find happiness.  Yet happiness is never truly realized only after sorrow, love truly appreciated only after its lost.  Such are these ironies, everywhere, in everything. I could write pages upon pages building on thoughts of this, realizing everything obvious and achieving nothing.  Such is the Buddhist realization, that everything can be found in the nothingness.

     On December 13^th I head back to Kerala to continue my Ayurvedic treatment. Three weeks of herbal remedies and healthy living, three weeks of separation from the craziness that is life. I look forward to continued healing and enlightenment, I also look forward to sharing all that I learn with those around me.  Yet most of all, I pray for those less fortunate then me, who might never have such an opportunity.

Namaste.