Part XXVI - Another Cold Summer

 

Summer is coming!...or at least it should be even though it doesn't feel like it in most places. While I am looking forward to some warm weather, greenery, sunshine, and seeing everyone happier. I am also part of the .01% of people that is not really excited about it. In fact I am almost a bit upset about it. Am I losing my mind?!...well...yes I think I am ( and for more reasons then this but that will have to be another entry for another day). I am upset because  a few years ago I had strong hope that I would be much closer to having full leg mobility by around this time. Or at least feeling like I could walk normal and not be in pain every day. But no...the good lord has not seen me fit for these "luxuries" yet.  While things do improve slowly I am much further away then I thought I would be, far enough away to have to dig deep inside of me to find real excitement about the summer to come.

   More then anything, summer is the ultimate reminder of just how different my life is compared to what it used to be. During the winters, its much easier to keep my head down, focus on exercise, work, family, etc and almost forget how much you are missing out on in your life. In the summer, its the opposite as I get to see firsthand everyday just how much of my fleeting youth I am missing as I watch people do all the summer activities I used to love.  Running in the park, frolicking at the beach, and even just summer traveling continues to be difficult.  It all hits home harder during the months of summer and makes me depressed and frustrated at the same time. Worst of all I think this type of toxic mentality is seeping into other areas of my life. Makes it all that much harder to get my career and personal life back on track.  I need to find a way to get back on track...

Part XXV - Words to my Lost Brother

            A few days after Thanksgiving I lost one of my best friends, Dave Capucilli, an amazing person that has been a huge part of my life. His death has been tragic beyond words, a deep, depressing numbness that I haven't felt since the death of my father. Yet again, another reminder just how beautiful and fragile life is for all of us.....no matter how strong, healthy, wealthy, popular, a person is. Tomorrow things can change in an instant.... in the flip of a two sided coin. On one side is the potential for reaching goals, finding happiness, on the other is the possibility that the goals we seek are an illusion,  an oasis in the sand. 

3 and a half years ago I layed broken and bleeding on the hospital bed not sure if I would survive my accident. As they prepped me for the 8 hour surgery to come, I looked desperately at my friends faces as they watched and worried... one of them was Davy.  Now he is gone, robbed of a future so bright that it blinds me to think of it. I miss my friend, my brother.... here are my final words to you. 

Tether

I still have trouble finding the words thoughts so jumbled unclear,

To fathom the pain of our loved one lost, a life so truly dear.

Forever I will question, wonder and weep, why our time now must end,

For we had so much to do, so much to learn, and so many days to spend;

We Conquered mountains, Walked strange worlds and Swam oceans galore,

Explored new music, Broadened our souls, Played games till the wee hours of the morn,

For so much knowledge and time we shared, I could never begin to forget

That our ships stayed a similar course, tethered without intent;

Too many memories of which you are part, so many smiles and cheers,

Lasting jokes and timeless tales, now mix with rising fears,

That things will never be the same without your steadying hand

To this new future we must adhere, this new fate so bland;

But I promise to stay the course for that is what we must do,

Honor your persona, a  lasting imprint, to find strength in you,

And you would expect nothing less, to that we can all attest,

To pursue our dreams to the fullest and live life without regret;

For that and so much more I will always hope and pray,

To sing with you again lost brother, to share another day,

But for now the tether that was tied must be cut and drawn,

And into the sunset you will sail , without me but never alone.

Part XXIV - The Hiatus

Namaste!

So after a very long break I have finally decided to get my act together and give an update on my much neglected blog.  While a part of me missed writing and communicating my thoughts and reflections through this healing process....another part of me knows I needed some time to commit  energy to other things in my life and refocus. The blog was starting to feel like a chore instead of a gift to inspire people and I did not want to start giving off negativity. In fact, I would take that line of thinking one step further and say that for almost anything in life, sometimes it helps to disengage and take a day,  or a week, maybe even a few months to find clarity in thought and decide ...What are the real reasons you are doing something?....What goals are you trying to achieve by doing whatever it is you are doing? Sounds so simple and obvious but that is also why its so easy to forget.

Let me start by saying, that while I had stopped writing on the blog, I never stopped capturing my creative thoughts and have spent this time off writing music and reconnecting with an almost unrecognizable part of my musical self. While I have written bits and pieces of music for many years, I was able  to (for the first time since university) actually find the patience and structure needed to recommit to learning/practicing, writing complete songs, and more importantly finish what I had started on small projects from years past. As a result I have found myself very contented in this renewed expression of self and it has undoubtedly become a high priority for me. One of my many life goals that I realized when I was laid up in the hospital, was that I wanted write enough songs to professionally record an album so that is what I am striving for. While I do not anticipate making any money off this endeavor and certainly I do not anticipate getting famous, I knew it would be a mentally and emotionally healing activity that I would enjoy doing. So far, it definitely has been......
it has also been much more difficult then I ever expected and I now have an even deeper respect for songwriters/artists.

Regardless, I plan to see this blog through to the end of my recovery as I originally had planned so let us pick up where we left off. The first question is, what exactly has improved/changed since I began this long, arduous journey? Well....LOTS! For starters, I continue to have increased sensation and nerve growth which I can feel happening in various parts of the injured leg.  But the biggest change has occurred in one of the major muscle groups that has been paralyzed since the accident, my right calf muscle.  It has gone from being completely inactive to partially active.While this does not change my overall leg abilities that much, it is very important on a much bigger scale.  The nerve grows through the leg from spinal cord to toe which means that if the leg is healing like I had hoped, then the calf muscle would be the first one to start responding. Also, since this change I have noticed greater strength and control in walking, yoga, even with my weight training. FINALLY some light at the end of the dark tunnel!   So now I am working for continued calf muscle development and some activation from the  Tibialis muscle. In case you have no idea what and where a Tibialis is...see below. Basically the Tibialis and the Calf are the two major push and pull muscles we use everyday for stepping.....

very very important muscles.....and once I have these two working better then we are getting into some mazing possibilities  because then I could actually run! Imagine that....me....running!

I can.

Part XXIII - Empty Pages

For the first time since I started writing this song I feel like I have nothing to say, 

No knowledge to deliver, no advice to riddle, no emotions to share or erase. 

No feelings to understand, no recollections to dream there is so little point in feigning,

A day without pain, deep remorse, a day without consciousness breaking. 

I long for this, it seems so distant when I will awake eager for the day, 

a warm summers night,  strolls though the park, resting without effort or shame. 

Neither cotton cloud trousers, nor six string towers forever my endless games,

can bring me stillness of mind, a conjuring of wicked ways.

Part XXII - Inflection Point

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            During my last visit, I wrote extensively about my admiration for the many courageous souls here at this hospital fighting to overcome a range of illnesses and accidents, many far more serious then mine.  This continues today as the many people I meet here continue to humble me with their struggles or their commitment to a loved one in need. The main difference from last year to this year is the greater number of Indian nationals as opposed to foreigners and also the considerable number of youngsters here seeking treatment.  This combined with my extremely busy schedule I have come to know less people then before. Furthermore, only a few of the patients I came to know well from last year were able to return during my visit so sadly I am unable to report on their recovery and can only pray that they continue to see better days.

            Now less then a week remains here and as 2012 has come to an end I have a quiet confidence about the road ahead. Exactly one year ago I was filled with anxiety and bewilderment, almost frightened of future uncertainty. Now there is a serene focus void of question, complete understanding of what is to come. If nothing else, my return visit has renewed my sense of purpose, one that was blurred during my time at home.  While many would remind me to not forget how far I have come, it is only I, the weary traveler who knows how just much further I need to go. For if we travel far enough, one day we come to a point where we are no longer moving away but moving towards it…..going back to where it all began.  

             I feel this time is now upon me, the time when I can walk tall into the morning light, balanced, with fortitude, without reserve or negative perception, able to do all the things I once loved to do. This new year promises to be my inflection point, where healing and understanding will come into a focus I have never experienced before. A deeper self harmony which I am now fully beginning to comprehend, where I am no longer asking questions of myself but now discovering answers through myself, through my own experiments in truth.

            To you my family, friends and readers, may your gaze always be forward and the sun forever on your back.  In this New Year of 2013, may we all find eternal balance of mind, body and soul. 

Part XXI - Doshas

      Holiday Greetings from the Arya Vaidya Sala Ayurvedic Hospital and Research Center in Kottakkal, India. I have been here for just over a week and I am FINALLY getting to my first blog entry! Not sure why it has taken me so long..I mean…I am quite busy but in all honesty I am just feeling uninspired, a stark contrast since my last visit.  Even though it has been a year, it does not feel as such. My routine/schedule this year is exactly like last year and I guess I am a little disappointed, I was hoping for something new though I am not sure exactly what.

            As is necessary with this type of treatment, healthy living is a priority here as I am in bed by 9:30pm and before 6am every day with morning yoga & pranayam, 4 hours of oil/medicated wrap treatments,  and 1 hour of physical therapy.  I just barely have enough time for breakfast/lunch in between all the activities.  Plus I am taking various herbal pills and liquids every few hours.  It is a demanding schedule and by 6pm I am thinking about dinner and bed. However, the restricted diet they have me on has probably been the most difficult adjustment.  
            Breakfast is a small cup of oats and coffee. Lunch is an assortment of  small servings of various Indian food chosen carefully for patients.  Dinner is restricted to a vegetable dish of my choosing and some Indian bread or chappati. As you know, daily diet, for Ayurvedic treatment is of utmost importance and depending on a person’s body type and ailment, the dietary restrictions can be more or less severe. Even though my diet may seem extreme upon first glance, I am actually quite lucky. My body type, characterized by a strong agni  or fire means I have good digestive powers and allows me to actually enjoy some of the more tastier food options. Some of my fellow patients have to forego taste and/or quantity and eat very specific lentil/vegetable dishes lacking of much spice or flavor.

            During my last visit I came to have a better understanding of what Ayurvedic medicine is and what constitutes successful treatment but I never spent much time understanding how or why it works. With that in mind I have decided to dedicate some time every day to reading some recommended library literature here that can give me a deeper understanding of Ayurveda. In order to do so, I first need to gain a better perspective of how the human body is understood in respect to Ayurvedic medicine so lets rewind a bit.

            It is first necessary to realize the origin of Ayurveda and the connection it has with life itself. By definition…it is the “science of life” and everything within its design reflects this on many levels. It is the oldest form of organized medicine and its founding book the Atharva Veda can be dated before 2,000 BC.  While its storied beginnings takes the form of a more grander tale where sacred teachings are handed down by the gods themselves to renown gurus and sages of ancient Indus Valley, it is more logical to believe that these same ascetics founded this knowledge through intensive self study of the mind, body and soul. What can be proven is that since its origin, a clear path of evolution has occurred over several thousand years as many texts have been produced and teachings refined. (Also, there has been a noticeable uptick of Western scientific studies focusing on some of the more common herbal remedies and their positive effects on a range of health issues.) 

            Similar to the inherent dualism within life itself Ayurveda subscribes to the fact that while we are all unique, there are also several unifying characteristics that we all share, namely the 5 naturally occurring elements: air, earth, fire, water and ether.  Sound familiar?  I know that over the years I have heard similar explanations in other cultures.  But to take it step further, through combinations of these elements springs the 3 principle life energies of mind and body called doshas.

Vata -    air and ether which denotes motion

Pitta -    fire and water which denotes power

Kapha - water and earth which denotes mass

These processes, like a triangle, connect the body and mind with each corner pulling itself causing the others to move as well. Ideally the goal for a healthy person is keep the 3 doshas in relative harmony allowing the mind and body to flourish and in turn keeping it safe from disorder and disease.  No problem right?!  Well…. the kicker is that everything affects these doshas, EVERYTHING.  Each bite you put into your mouth, every breath of air, every song you hear, each ray of sunlight, any word you say, stress, anger, love, hate and on and on and on…..you get the picture.  To make things even more difficult, most people have a primary and possibly a secondary dosha which means that each one of our general dispositions can be affected more so or less so by something depending on our personal nature. Or perhaps what we thought was an ideal equilibrium is actually not sustainable and we need to adjust something in our daily life to find true balance. 

            Hmmm….interesting, complicated,……India. Till next time…. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmaquanzakkah!

Part XX - Duality

   Its coming upon the one year anniversary of the start of my Ayurvedic journey and I look back in reflection at all I have done and changed. On one hand I take pride in the changes I have embraced and on the other I just feel disgust at my lack of control and my inability to completely commit. Yet I have to remember that we all walk different paths at different speeds. I remain thankful that I could be given a new path to explore and hopefully continue to learn, grow, and share with those around me.

   One activity that that I have managed to keep with continuing regularity over the last few years is my morning meditation and breathing exercises.  While it had slowed to only 4-5 times a week when I was working full time, it has become almost daily with my current flexible schedule. Regardless I have had momentum over some time and I feel that as a result there has been an altered mental awareness. I do not mean to imply that I am achieving increased cognitive abilities but merely that certain things fit together in my mind differently and perhaps more perfectly then they did before.  As example, the way I look at the world, karma, and our lives as we know it is a different shade then before.  I have come to realize that the yin and yang that exists within our bodies, is much bigger then each one of us or all of us.  It is universal and without end like the cosmic ocean.

   On the surface of our existence there is science and logic, it rules the majority of our everyday lives, a seemingly honest explanation to what we do, how we do it. However, just behind this curtain there is an infinite supply of irony and contradiction. Its complexities run so deep that many times one never understands they are even there. I have realized over the years that finding these ironies and attempting to digest them, however deep and perplexing, presents a whole new dimension of thought. They are everywhere, in everything, floating with us through time. An almost constant reminder that the only thing more remarkable then our imagination is the reality that bears it.  The more time I spend in meditation and quiet thought, the more I notice them.

     Take for instance something as simple and known to us as the act of breathing. Every breath is precious yet meaningless. Each breath we take is one breath closer to our inevitable end but most of us will forever ignore this fact. But that is what it is….fact. Just the mere thought of this makes most of us uncomfortable….but why? Thinking about it reminds us that we are all vulnerable whether we choose to accept it or not, and being vulnerable means that we are not in control.  Control…..that is what we all really want. We want to have authority over our lives, our relationships, our careers, and our character.  Much like water has no control over the bottle we keep it in or the sun that turns it into air, we are not truly in control of the world around us, we are only in control of how we adapt….how we find happiness.  Yet happiness is never truly realized only after sorrow, love truly appreciated only after its lost.  Such are these ironies, everywhere, in everything. I could write pages upon pages building on thoughts of this, realizing everything obvious and achieving nothing.  Such is the Buddhist realization, that everything can be found in the nothingness.

     On December 13^th I head back to Kerala to continue my Ayurvedic treatment. Three weeks of herbal remedies and healthy living, three weeks of separation from the craziness that is life. I look forward to continued healing and enlightenment, I also look forward to sharing all that I learn with those around me.  Yet most of all, I pray for those less fortunate then me, who might never have such an opportunity.

Namaste.

Part XIX: Bring It Back

    Its official....I have booked my trip back to the Arya Vaidya Sala Clinic for Round 2 of my Ayurvedic Treatment. I will be there for 21 days again and then probably taking some visit some people/place before I come back to NYC. It will be almost exactly one year since I embraced this life changing practice and as the future continues to unfold before me, I continue to be amazed. After my last day of treatment in India ended, I knew that I would travel back to Kerala for at least a short while the following year, but a strange turn of events in the past few weeks has resulted in a separation from my current employer. This in turn allows me seek treatment for an ideal amount of time and more importantly allows me to do so without the stresses of attending conference calls, addressing client issues, and dealing with overall anxiety during a busy time of year. While there are sure to be new stresses about the future, again its about perspective. I can view this latest event as something lost, or an opportunity for something gained. I prefer to think of it as the latter.

Part XVIII - Rigpa

Seamless and unforgiving, like tidal waves,   thoughts... rip through our brains.  Anything and everything seem to manifest from nowhere and many times in almost unpredictable order. A line from a movie, a comment by a coworker, those missing keys,  next weekend's plans. birthday wishes, news headlines..... questions, opinions, and even answers. All part of that infinite number of thoughts that we have...... every..... single.... day.
Yet as hard as we try, no matter what we do....a finite number of days to have them and even less to understand them.

Meditation is, among many things, training for the mind. Training to control and organize thoughts. It is practiced in eastern religions for reasons both mental and/or physical. Yet in the simplest explanation, because by doing so you can unlock a greater potential within.

Rigpa is defined by the Tibetan Buddhists as the knowledge that one realizes by recognizing the truth within. It can be found in that rare and brief state that manifests in our mind between our waves of thoughts.  For in that fraction of time there is nothing but the body, mind, and breath. Like the calm blackness that soothes you just before drifting off into sleep, those seconds bring an invisible blanket which covers and liberates you from needs, thoughts, and wants.  In essence it is the closest we, the common man; the working woman  might ever feel to true liberation. Liberation from what we are and unknowingly want to escape. Slaves to  our needs, victimized by our thoughts; an antagonist to our own individual struggle.

Part XVII - No Quarter

    Its been 6 months since my first ayurvedic treatment at the Arya Vaidya Sala clinic in Kerala and I guess that means its time for a real update. For starters I have finished all the medicines/oils that I have been taking all these months... HOORAY!! and right on time actually.  Also I have managed to stick to my vegetarian diet and I have also decreased my alcohol intake considerably. I give my myself a score of 2.5 out of a possible perfect 3.  Not bad I think.

   That being said I still have a few fun nights out  a month with friends and enjoy special weekends such as weddings/birthdays so I have more or less settled on the fact that as long as there is a healthy balance in my diet and lifestyle then that is what matter the most.  In fact just last night I found myself torn between going out and staying in to get some rest that I know I needed before a wedding weekend.
The former me would have just gone out and muscled through an early morning bus ride but the new me is much conscious about thinking ahead and paying attention to how things may stress the body. Or maybe this is just called being a  "grown up" :).

    I have also kept up a fairly vigorous schedule of yoga, both at a studio and at home before work  about 3 times a week, and I still exercise, cardio and weights 2-3 times a week, massage therapy twice a week, and breathing exercises almost every morning. Phew....sound like a lot?  Hells yeah its a lot... its  like a 2nd job. A job that is now just part of my life, and in life there is no quarter.  Hours and hours of exertion, stretching, and pain for differences so slight that half the time I don't even know anything has changed. But I have to keep things in perspective, I have to remember whats important in life, and guess what?? So do you!! Accomplishing complex things is all about short term goals, and long term objectives.  Thats how we get through life,  thats how we grow...never stop growing.

Part XVI - Black

    I have to admit....keeping this blog going is turning out to be harder then I thought. Besides the usual excuses of just feeling lazy or tired. Or just not having any desire to educate or amuse,  I think there is something else that makes it difficult. I am getting impatient, fed up, and just flat out annoyed with not being able to say that something remarkable has happened since last time I wrote. So.... allow me to vent. In my worst days I feel like a caged animal. In my best days I am a lost boy in the blackest of jungle nights.

   I walk, I crawl, I clear all in my path. I climb every hill and slash every vine and all I see is a more black jungle night. I know there is a destination, a place where the jungle ends and the ocean begins. Where gentle waves will caress me...wash away my pain and fear.  A baptism in new life. 

How do I get there....I must find a way to get there.  It will be the single closest thing to a physical moksha that I or almost anyone could ever experience. 

   As of July 5th I am 2 years young in my new body of metal and scarred flesh. I wish that I got these scars in the service or at least doing something brave. Then I would be proud of myself in some way instead of just hating myself for being a complete fool.

   Sometimes people look at me and think nothing is wrong with me...I silently resent them for minimizing a cruelty which they will never understand. Others look at me and wonder what is wrong with me....I silently resent them for wanting to understand a cruelty that they will hopefully never be able to understand. I feel guilty for having these negative thoughts. 

   I know I have come far, but at the same time it doesn't matter how far I have come if its not where I want to be.  For now I embrace the night, its always followed by a new day.

Part XV - Standing Up

Riddle me this:
   Name something that everyone has in abundance yet is rarely appreciated. It can be changed in an instant or never changed at all. It can sustain life or fade it out.  We exude it daily, sometimes we force it on others. For better or for worse... we live it.

Give up…?


Your PERSPECTIVE!


.…..and I don’t mean your perspective on politics or social issues. I mean your perspective on LIFE. How do you see your life? How do you see the world around you? Sometimes we forget that how see life, directly affects how we live it.We have all heard the phrase, “ Do you see the glass half empty or half full?”, but do we even think about the implications of what that really means. Like anything in the world the more we throw around a phrase or an idea the less valuable it seems to become, but sometimes if presented differently it can mean all the difference in the world.

   A month ago,  I was able to attend a hedge fund conference in Las Vegas and listen to some very intelligent and interesting minds speak about a variety of topics  While I will not bore you with the standard doomsday economic panels that are characteristic of most financial conferences these days, I will tell you that I was fortunate enough to hear a wonderful presentation by a gentleman named Sean Stephenson.  Listening to him speak and then talking with him afterwards forced me to once again marvel at the human spirit and also revaluate my perspective. Allow me to show you why:

Take a look at this picture…..

 

And take a look at this one.

   Now tell me, who do think could be the happier of the two? **
Most people, including myself, would say the football player must be the happier one. After all, he has everything right?! Strong health, fame, fortune, everything that goes with it. How could he not be happy?
What about the 2nd gent…could he be happy?



The first picture is all-star football player Junior Seau,  an NFL legend. The picture was taken a few years before he took his own life leaving behind a family that loved him, teammates that respected him, and fans that admired him.  How could have felt so down and out that his only escape was suicide?  A hard question to answer and until one can walk a mile in someone’s shoes, all we can do is speculate. I would speculate that his perception of reality, his perspective, was distorted.  He could not see himself living a happy meaningful life, he could not be satisfied with what he saw in himself and in the future hardships to come, so he found a way out, a tragic one.



The second picture is Sean Stephenson.  He might have been the happiest person at the conference I attended, definitely the most real. Filling the room with love and optimism, his perspective on the world was addicting.  I had to stop him and ask him, “ Sean, you have such a tremendous attitude. Such a positive and clear outlook on the life. How do you do it? Do you have a gift ?”
He smiled at me warmly and replied,” There is no secret, you have to work at it. Everyday… you have to work at it.  It comes with practice and determination."  


   I am not sure if his answer made me feel worse or better but it did allow me see past the magic curtain. No matter how perfect someone may seem on the outside, no matter how fulfilled or unfulfilled they seem with life we do not know what they face mentally/physically everyday. We all struggle with demons whether is is fear, desire, jealousy, envy, etc.  It is in fact these things which make us human, but it is our ability to control them that makes us better human beings. I think  that understanding that is the first step to having a healthier life perspective.




** - This comparison is not really a comparison at all. I cite these two individuals together for this blog entry strictly because of timing in which they occurred to me. The Seau story broke in early May and I saw Sean speak a few weeks later. Putting their very different lives together made realize how important perspective is to all of us. 

Part XIV - The Absurd

   During my many long nights in the acute rehab center on 125th street, I felt trapped. In a surreal world, a distorted and unfulfilled reality. Like I was transfixed on a freaky circus mirror and could not cease my gaze. I was healthy enough to drift in and out of a subconscious state, but sick enough to not reach that  deep sleep that I so desperately needed. During those times of hurt, I felt a tornado of emotions, thoughts and feelings that would haunt me for months to come. Sometimes if I was lucky, I would just daydream...

   The most vivid mental image I replayed which kept my attention for more hours then I can recall, was that of a gray wolf running through a snowy wilderness of evergreens. Strong, free, and untouched by the cruelty of karma I sprinted over the hills effortlessly. The crisp smell of snow and dry taste of cold air filled my nostrils, coated my lungs. I was reborn.....

   In my Existential rebirth I became cautiously understanding of The Absurd.  Absurdism accepts that there is no meaning to be found in our reality besides the meaning we give it.  There is no good or bad events in the world, just events. Events that can happen to any person at any time.  It is human nature to try and find value and meaning in everything, but it is our inability to truly find any meaning in difficult events that also makes us human. Absurd?!  Absolutely!  Yet there is a strange compassion in this way of thinking.  It is also downright depressing, even if it does make my predicament a bit easier to swallow.  I think for now I will embrace The Absurd....that is...until that day soon when I find a reason not to. 

Part XIII - Sweet Summer '13

    Sunday - April Fools, 2012. Its been cool, rainy and grey all weekend and it seems like our typical early spring weather is finally here. I am probably the only person we all know that is strangely grateful for this return to weather normalcy.  I used to feel quite the opposite, in my "former life" that is. The spring rain would ruin my weekend plans, complicate travel, and there was this feeling like we missed out on  one of few possibly great spring weekends before the summer heat started in July.
    However, now I find it soothing, comforting, almost welcoming. As if the powers that be are saying to me, "Hey!! Its ok....stay home, get some rest, read the paper, and keep some time for yourself." Time for yourself is something we all need more than we know, but can never find the time for. Funny how that works right? More often then not, in the whirlwind of life our mental balance and rest becomes the last item on our list of priorities.
 
   The most common question I get asked from my family/friends these days  is.." So...are you seeing any differences in your leg with this treatment?" Its a great question, and one which I wonder about daily.  While I think so, the short answer is that I don't really know. I can't know. The only physical difference that could be happening is that my damaged nerves are reconnecting more quickly then they were before I started this treatment. But, I won't know that until its all done. Think of it as an alternate travel route, in theory it might get you to your destination quicker but you won't know until you are actually there and can look at the time and count it back. So, lets count it back...just for fun.
    In mid- Feb, after my 2nd surgery or nerve graft where they took healthy nerve cells from my legs and grafted them to my damaged sciatic nerve. The neurosurgeon told me that I am looking at a 50% chance of recovery that within 2.5 years the muscles in my leg start responding again. How did he get this number?  Well I can't speak for the 50% success rate which according to him has been compiled from years of research and is across a diverse set of individuals: young/old,  fit/obese, non-active/active,  believers/non-believers, etc.  (Also more importantly, in my mind there is no acceptable outcome except full recovery so the odds are just a number to me). I can however better explain the calculation of 2.5 years.
   Nerves regenerate on average at a snails pace of 1mm a day. Its the only body tissue, besides the liver that can do this extraordinary feat. And since my nerve has to reconnect from my gluteus down to my toes we are looking at about 3 feet, which is just under a meter, 1 meter = 1000 millimeters = 1000 days = 2.7 years. According to that schedule, a mid-Feb 2011 surgery success story would put me into Sept 2013. BUT.... I have to assume, based on what I have been through,  and what I am able to do now, that my  healing process is quicker then the average bear so lets say my target recovery month is closer to June 2013.  However  if my Ayurvedic treatment and restricted diet are in fact speeding this process along, then we could see results even sooner then that, much sooner.
   I can't imagine what the end of the road would feel like but I imagine its even sweeter then my niece when she got her hands on a strawberry ice cream in a waffle cone one summers eve:

Part XII - Soulshine

   For the past 2 weeks now, almost since I finished my last blog entry, I have been spending time daily thinking on a topic for my next blog entry.  In between one of these many unsuccessful attempts, I realized that the reason I have been having such difficulty (beside having a lot less time on my hands), is that I am running out of interesting things to share in my limited knowledge of Ayurvedic medicine, yoga, etc. Its simple really...since I am no longer constantly learning about this new, yet old world I have entered, I am running thin on new information to share. Hopefully this pattern should change soon as I spent some time last week calling various yoga centers in Manhattan and hope to be attending some classes and sharing some of the teachings I will learn. Just to clarify, there are many types of yoga and while all promote physical/mental development through proper breathing techniques and specific body positions, some have a different focus then others.  The specific benefits that I am looking to focus on are physical/mental healing, flexibility, and spiritual alignment....or soulshine. The yoga I learned at the clinic in Kerala seemed to be a bit of a hybrid but it seems to most closely resemble Pawanmuktasana. This type of yoga is not as physically demanding as the more popular kinds we New York-ers always hear about such as Bikram Yoga or Power Yoga.

  For now, one thing I can share with you that was passed on to me by a beautiful soul that I know, is a splendid documentary that provides a fascinating and in-depth look at Ayurvedic medicine by renown practitioners in India. I learned so much watching this video that rather then try to unsuccessfully summarize it, I figured that the best thing to do was to paste the link and prelude below and let those who are interested take a look.  Its broken up into several parts so even if you have to watch it over the course of several weeks, I highly recommend it.  Enjoy!

 Ayurveda: The Art of Being

Prelude:

As a child growing up in Indian countryside, I had an opportunity to live Ayurveda. My family, even today, continues to believe in Ayurveda like they have done for several generations. I already know about some of the significant differences between Ayurveda and the western approach to diagnosis and treatment. However, till today I remain totally impressed by logic of Ayurveda and charmed by the power and completeness of its comprehensive understanding of life.

In last 3 years alone nearly 500 books about Ayurveda are being published in 60 different languages, in 50 countries. Coming two years will add about 500 more books, besides increase in Web sites, CD-ROMs and journals.

The film travels nearly 15,000 kilometres through landscapes of exceptional beauty and geographical variety in India, Greece and USA. For several months myself and my research team has constantly searched out people and places almost all over the world; to do total justice to this exceptional subject. To voice the story of Ayurveda through exceptional Vaidyas (Ayurvedic Doctors), patients and experts.

Some of the Vaidyas have revealed their secrets and open their home and clinics to us. Plant searching tribes took us into dark corner of jungle where a rare endangered plant still grows wild. Ancient Palm-leaf manuscripts locked away for 3 to 5 centuries were in front of us. Ancient 'Mud-Scanning' method of Diagnosis has been considered extinct and lost but our months long efforts managed to track down the last surviving place. A rarely seen lost science of Marma, vital points, and how it can kill or cure; was demonstrated on a goat for the first time revealing vital points which can paralyse.

During the 3 long years while preparing the film I, myself have been surprised to discover how scientific Ayurveda is. I personally believe that our world of today, into a new millennium, is going to need natural arts of healing like it never did ever before. Spirituality and natural balances will play a vital role in governing our happiness in near future. No single film can do justice to the vast science of Ayurveda but For me the film is just a sharing, but the sharing that inspires, naturally.

Pan, Nalin
January 2001, Paris


Link:




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-H6xEPsNvw

Part XI - Needles

  Yes.... believe it or not...I am still keeping to the vegetarian diet except for fish/eggs and honestly I am starting to understand why people say they feel better for doing so. While I have started drinking a few beers with friends/work contacts to keep my sanity when I am out and about, I many times opt to not have any and I am usually home early. Living the healthy life definitely has its advantages. I feel very light and fit, I look healthier, better energy levels... but  it makes for a much more boring (but stable) life. With all this back and forth I do everyday trying to find personal balance I can not help but feel like I am married to myself, its a really weird concept.  Half of me is constantly sparring with the other half over everything, from where I should go, to how long, and what i should eat, and when I should get up early for yoga/meditation. I just want to tell myself to shut up sometimes.

 The bottom line is that things continue to move in the right direction, be it slower then I would like.... but as long as they continue to change then its a good sign. Its very strange to be in a situation where increased pain means good things. As my nerves heal, connect and "wake up", the first thing they do is scream and in greater frequency and volume. Kind of like a newborn baby, but these screams feel like hot needles and electric shocks.  While this has being going on for over a year now and I am kind of used to it, like many things in life there is also no getting used to it, so we learn to embrace it. Still I wait for that ground breaking day, some light at the end of the tunnel. A morning when I wake up knowing that my day will be significantly better then it was the day before.

  

Part X- The Straight and Narrow

Lately inspiration does not walk easily through my door. Is that what the drum of work and life is for?
To hypnotize us with a steady.... firm..... beating....thumping.... sound.... penetrating us with comfort, assurance, and steadiness all around.  Motion to keep our minds asleep, like a cradle, drowning out the stillness of life so that we dare not daydream.

The picture below struck a chord with me when I first took it and I realized that I never shared it during my travels. I am not sure why, but perhaps it was so I could share it now and cheer up the sad and lonely.

Just when the day was at its darkest, the sun came out and lit up the sky. Its rays tore through the heavens and its heat warmed our cold wet skin. Just when life seems like it can't get any worse, many times it does....but if you give up or close your eyes, then you miss a perfect moment in time......

Part IX - The Grind

   Salaam Alaikum!

   I am now 14 days back in the grind that is life in NYC. As expected, Ayurvedic living is  a heck of a lot easier in the sheltered environment of the clinic. Here in the complexity of our concrete jungle, the raging rat race, the never-ending game, there is not enough time for anything let alone the added time needed for constant meds, oil treatments, yoga, exercise...and lets not forget those other meaningless things that get in the way....life and love. They said I should make a schedule and stick to it. Have breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time everyday. I never realized how incredibly difficult that is. I mean its hard to stay on schedule for anything.  But I keep trying, once and a while failing but always in the game. As a close friend told me, “You are either walking towards recovery or away from it….”   So I am walking, with 6am meds,  turmeric water, oil treatments, vegetarian diet, early bedtimes. It kind of feels like its changing my whole being in strange ways, like I am turning into a  different person. Then again its possible that this is all in my head and just part of the adjustment period so I will not jump to any conclusions…...
at least not yet. 

   Soon after I returned to NYC and with barely enough time to unpack and adjust to working again, I had to fly out to attend an annual conference in Florida. A true financial conference characterized by excess......open bars, lavish dinners, etc.  We even had Occupy Wall Street protestors.
Remarkably I was able to hold my own and keep control of my dietary intake. It was not easy by any means, but not impossible. Basically I took to nursing a beer the few nights (two on some of the longer evenings) that I was out, lots of cranberry splash of soda with no ice and plenty of fish for dinner. Honestly, eating fish every night gets old pretty fast. After doing this for a few weeks straight you really stop looking forward to going out to dinner. It just ends up being a lot easier to not bother.

So in short summary, the foreseeable future will hold more cooking at home, less going out,  more questions then answers and as always....confusion.  Hoping for some inspiration and clarity for the next post. Lately, I feel like I have zero of both, maybe I need a vacation. :)

6 months of meds.....yes....this will all be put into my system one way or another over the next 180 days.

Part VIII - Queen of the Hills

   After what seemed like entirely too much travel we made it to Chandigarh on January 3^rd to spend some time with my Mamaji and Mamiji or my maternal uncle and his wife. Here it is much colder here then the tropical south yet for some reason the houses are not built to reflect the difference in climate….translation....everyone is freezing right now.  Some people here say the winters are becoming worse every year and I am inclined to agree. Maybe it’s that reverse global warming effect? Regardless, I am glad to be here, having spent much time here over the years of India visits it is as close to home as I can get in the homeland.  It is also a good place to transition my Ayurvedic living outside the clinic into a stress-free environment.

    The ride here was quite nice as the weather was perfect and the car comfortable. We drove through winding mountain roads, tea plantations, historic cities and even a large tiger reserve. I scanned vigilantly for any wildlife but only managed to see some wild deer, what might have been the backside of a buffalo, and of course….monkeys. 

   After one day of rest here we decided to visit the family country house in the town of Simla Queen of the Hills; or in particular the Sivalik Mountains, a subset of the Himalayas. A number of my mother’s cousins live here with their families and more distant cousins in the surrounding farmland and wilderness. It is a breathtaking, spiritual place and after a simple gaze, its easy to see why the ancient Indus Valley civilization believed that the most powerful of gods lived atop these mountains.

  Even though it was probably not the best idea to be in such a cold place so soon after my treatment, I was convinced that it was worth it if I could have one nice day in the mountains. It most certainly was……

About 10 steps from the front door

The Family FarmHouse

Top of the Rock

Top of the Rock again

  The last time I came here I was 11 months old and quite a handful as I heard many stories of my antics as a baby boy. One that was constantly retold is my harassment of a 2^nd cousin. She was about my age at the time of my, probably smaller in size, and definitely a more peaceful child. She fell victim to my discovery of the joys of hair-pulling which coincided with my new found ability to kick. Apparently I figured out that doing both activities simultaneously was twice as much fun. Its nice to know that she carries no grudge and is married now with kids of her own.
  The most popular advice I have received from everyone here, who all seem to have some personal experience with Ayurvedic treatments is to consume a teaspoon of  halti or turmeric everyday.  It has numerous healing attributes, the biggest of which affect nervous system directly even improving memory. They say it is the primary reason why in South Asian countries, particularity India,  diseases like Alzheimers are almost non-existent.... less then 1%of the population in South India.  (Turmeric is a common spice in South Asian cuisine)

  The life here is simple, physically demanding, but fulfilling in many ways.  Unfortunately we can not be around to truly enjoy it as its winter here and towards the end of my already prolonged trip. After only two days of family reconnecting over homegrown food and chilly nights I am back at my Uncles place in the city.  Only one day to relax now because after tomorrow I will begin my journey home. A comforting yet stressful thought as the strains of reality, recovery, and time missed from work weigh heavy on my mind. I find it hard to think clearly and anxiety has set in as I mentally sort though all that I must find time to do. Fortunately, I also feel confident in the path laid before me for 2012, and I am strangely comforted that I may finally add these latest thoughts to my blog. :)

    

   This will be my last entry written from across the pond but I plan to keep writing  even after I get home and settled back in to the reality that is our world. The entries will not be as frequent but hopefully I can keep still keep them informative and yet entertaining.  Thanks to everyone for their continued reading, writing and all around encouragement through this journey.  If you have an extra minute, then use it to click on the Stand Up 2 Cancer link I have posted through SocialVibe. Its the quickest, easiest way to contribute to a great cause and it does not cost you a cent.  

   Finally, I want to dedicate this blog entry to my late father Dr. Sateesh K. Goswami who I miss terribly and think about even more so then usual these final days of India.  Father,  I know you will give me your strength and focus as life tests my resolve in the months ahead.

NYC I am coming home……

Part VII - Up North Trip

   In the process of packing up our belongings today including 6 months of medicines for me. Just when I thought that maybe someday, I would not have to take multiple pills daily I am back to taking several kinds daily. Each at differing times nonetheless along with two separate applications of herbal oils to my leg. Needless to say I have a full beauty routine to look forward to in 2012.  Not complaining if it helps get things back to normal but it will be yet another adjustment. Also, they recommended I return within the next 8-12 months for 2-3 weeks depending on my improvement. Though, I can not even think about that right now. Just too busy with the here and now which is complicated enough.  While my recommended diet is Vegetarian. I am allowed the following sparingly:
- meat
- beer/wine
- oily food
- spicy food

  For at least the first month or so I plan to stay away from meat completely and limit my intake of alcohol so I can give my system a chance to respond to the treatment and meds. Plus I am still hopeful that I will see some more functional changes so I don't want put that in potential jeopardy.
  Tomorrow is a long but scenic 9 hour car ride through the mountains to Bangalore from where we will hop a flight to Chandigarh, a city up North in Punjab or HP depending on who you ask . Happy to leave the clinic but mixed emotions about returning to my NY life in the coming days. While I miss some aspects of my NY life such as my friends/coworkers, my apartment, etc... things just don't seem that simple anymore.
   Not a whole lot of time to write these days as things get wrapped up and I figure out the rest of our travel plans so forgive the short post. For now please settle for a pic of me (and Mamaswami) in a lungi....or a south Indian "kilt" of sorts as we pose front of a 5 thousand plus year old Shiva temple in Kottakal. As per the sign, I had to take my shirt off when I went inside but I decided to spare you all that photo.